The New Leaf Nutshell: Childcare
Each month, New Leaf Podcast Host Laetitia writes on the most controversial of motherhood topics. Doing all the Googling and researching, so you don't have to. #mymotherhoodmychoice
In a Nutshell
So it’s 2021, yet the majority of societies are still pretty unsupportive of women are attempting to get back to work after having had a baby. A huge majority of families take a financial hit for the ‘privilege’ of mums returning to their careers.
Mamas are often trying to find a balance: they’re juggling their own emotions about going back to work after weeks, months or even a year, with the emotions of their child, the new practical arrangements of pickups and dropoffs, and finally the cherry-on-top of parting with a large amount of cash to secure the ‘right’ childcare choice.
There’s no universally perfect option for every family.
This ‘right’ choice will vary depending on your financial, personal and emotional setup, which I detail here with pros and cons to each option.
Here are the facts, with no agenda, so that you can go away and make the right decision for your family, because it’s…
#mymotherhoodmychoice
Before we begin:
The New Leaf Nutshell is building a place where mothers, and mother-supporters, can access well-researched, good quality and non-judgmental information on tricky motherhood topics, to save you many (many) thousands of hours on Google.
Naturally, distilling the Childcare Debate down is no easy feat… so this is a long article that I’m not expecting you to read all at once.
As long as you’re subscribed, you can come back any time.
Asking for help makes me feel a bit… ill :/
I’m trying my very hardest to get great quality information for mums with zero agenda or cost, which is supportive, kind and informative, out to as many mamas as possible.
Maybe you got a tonne of value from my Sleep Training Nutshell, or maybe from the Breast and Bottle Nutshell, where I’ve referenced over 100 academic articles. Or maybe this Childcare one is for you.
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Off we go!
CONTENTS (I’m afraid this software can’t do clickable links yet. Scroll down to spot the title that most interests you… or, just read the whole thing)
Who’s this article for?
Why are we Googling this?
Why is this such a tricky topic?
History of Childcare
Where are we today
What’s the ‘right’ time for Childcare
Why is it so hard for scientists to just give us an answer?
How can we decide when, then?
The 4 Main Things to Consider
The Childcare Options
Pros and Cons of each option
Conclusion
Who’s this article for?
Everyone battling with this dilemma / involved in childcare choices
Most likely, you’re a mum of an under one, who’s considering when and how to put their child into childcare. Or, you may have an older child and are considering a childcare change. You may be a concerned grandparent whose option for your grandchild you don’t agree with or believe in, and want some more information. Finally — maybe you don’t have kids, but are just a curious observer or friend wanting to support one of your mama friends. Whoever you are, good for you for reading this! Knowledge is power.
NB: you may be considering whether to be a stay-at-home mum - either permanently, or just for a bit. I am also going to include this as an option, despite my podcast New Leaf (follow me on instagram here @newleafpodcast) being about women heading back to work, because undoubtedly this is a thought that may have entered your mind. For some, it is their only viable option when it comes to cost of certain choices. It is 100% relevant. So it is included.
…NNB: Unfortunately, I can’t cover Special Needs children, or children over 5 (aka school territory!) in this article. These are both extremely valid and valuable topics that require a great deal more attention than I can give here, so I just have to cover the mainstream for efficiency purposes. Sorry about that. However, feel free to DM me on instagram if you’d like to hear about either of these :), and I’ll point you in the direction of some great resources!
“Google, search for…
childcare options babies toddlers pros cons”
Why is this such a tricky topic
Because there’s a tonne of emotion, #mumguilt and societal judgments involved, as well as other genuine risk factors to consider
So far, you are the expert on your child. You have the phD and professorship in Ava/Charlie/insertname. You are chief nutritionist, entertainment director, sleep coach, carer, psychologist and teacher to your baby. No mum is ever: ‘just a mum’ (worst phrase ever). Therefore, no one apart from you and your partner knows them better, or has spent more time with them. That is an awful lot of tacit knowledge to try and impart with any future caregiver - and this is why it is really hard to pick a childcare option. Because in the beginning, it feels like no one can do it as well as you…!
There’s a big difference between the generations as to how we raise our children, particularly in terms of baby boomers (people born post 1945-1965) and earlier. These baby boomers happen to be our parents/parents-in-law…often our most-used source of advice in the frenetic daze and haze of the newborn period. Their opinions matter to us - but can also sting the most, and can make it really hard to make a decision. Remember though:
The average cost of living has increased wayyy beyond inflation (millennials pay approx 39% more to buy their first home when compared to their parents in the 1980s). This is a very big deal when childcare is mostly extremely expensive. It means that sometimes we’re forced to choose childcare options that perhaps aren’t our first choice. Of course we’d love the pricey nanny our dad suggests, or we may dream of giving up work forever… But sometimes, that isn’t within our reach, and so we’re compromising from the get-go.
This means that your ‘thinking out loud’ to that generation about full-time nursery/daycare means you may be met with raised eyebrows, shock, or super helpful comments like “gosh why have them at all if you don’t want to look after them”.
…….Well, because for many couples, a dual income is a necessity. We don’t have the magic money tree. Sadface. So sometimes, Grandad, we ladies have to get out there and werk, whether we’re into it or not. (This is without even touching on the enormous strife and financial burden single parents experience in this area). There is a great British book about this here. (Not sponsored, it’s just great. The author Christine is a guest on my podcast, which you can listen to here)
The financial dilemma prevails. Childcare can be extortionately expensive, and sometimes make us question whether it’s worth it. Sometimes, you’re making the painful choice to take a financial hit in the short term so that you can keep the job you may need financially long-term, for college/uni fees, private school, etc. So you are actually paying to go back to work in the beginning (*nervous laughter*). This can make it a very tricky topic to consider. NB: this is incredibly messed up - I have strong opinions about it that aren’t very PG. If you’re British and want to do something about it, support the brilliant WEP, or support Pregnant Then Screwed. Or — just talk about it more to your friends - male as well as female. If you’re not a British citizen, but have stories to share on workplace inequality, let me know in the comments :) !
You feel, and are, responsible for your child. No matter where they are or who is looking after them. It’s built-in to us emotionally, evolutionarily and of course it is also a legal responsibility too. That means that even though logically, you know that your own parents brought you up and you’re ‘fine’ - you may still not feel entirely comfortable leaving your baby with them for long periods. This is normal. Attitudes to risk, punishment, praise, play, eating and napping can all be triggers for anxieties, arguments and difficulties. Especially when the childcare is ‘free’, and therefore you feel it is harder to say something critical.
You may want to go back to work, irrespective of costs or financial burden - because you feel that psychologically it makes you a better mother. Mental health is paramount. You are not a bad mother for wanting to keep a significant part of your adult identity. Mums do not to be sacrificial lambs to be fantastic mums. Say it loud! However, this can still be very much a dilemma in our minds - the #mumguilt struggle is most definitely real.
Many societies are still not set up properly for childcare. When childcare isn’t universally available for women, and the ones that are subsidised are often not clearly presented (have a look at a government childcare benefits online for more than 10 seconds, and you’ll know what I mean), you tend to end up asking friends, parents, or reading articles like this to try and find out what on earth to do.
Well, look no further.
History of childcare
In the 20th Century, World War 2 changed society’s expectations of women’s participation in the workplace. It therefore changed our expectations of childcare
I’m going to give some context to help show you why this is hard. If the history isn’t for you, just skip this bit.
So in the modern era, the “it takes a village” saying is not a reality for most first-world families. For most first time mums, there’s very little village or support system. It’s you and your nugget, with a partner who probably has very little leave, and… that’s kinda it. Gone are the days of living with sisters and aunties - the modern mama is a solo flyer.
In my article on Sleep Training, I discuss how the industrial revolution was the turning point that changed our family structure and location, resulting in the breakdown of our ‘village’ / group approach to raising children. It removed a lot of our childcare options, as young families moved towards cities and away from their support structures, or actual villages, to find work, and shaped what modern parenting is today.
Pre-World War Two, there was pretty rudimentary childcare provision, pre-school age. In 1938, there were barely 100 day nurseries in the United Kingdom. This was only for where the woman’s work was seen as ‘essential’, and the women was the sole earner. So this only applied to unmarried, separated or widowed women.
The only other available option were informal childminders, where women paid family or friends to help out with their children, but this was often met with some stigma, and socially linked with juvenile delinquency and bad outcomes for children. This is in contrast to the upper classes, who enjoyed a glorious double standard by having full time, live-in childcare in the form of Nannies, which was not only highly praised but also expected. Makes sense. Oh wait, no it doesn’t.
The Second World War changed a lot of ways women went to work. It therefore fundamentally changed how we think about childcare. The Second World War was a lot more mechanised than the first, and that required (wo)man power.
…Remember though: this is pre-pill, and pre-widespread contraception. Babies out of wedlock were still less common than those within wedlock, so married age was very relevant to when people had babies.
In 1940 the median age women married by was 21 in the USA, and 25 in the UK, so the typical fertile window for married women was typically much larger than it is today. For example, 1 in 5 women in the UK in 1940 had given birth to 4 or more children. This meant that most adult women had at least one baby, if not more.
In the midst of WW2, jobs in munitions, factories, and transport alike needed human labour, and in the absence of men, women were required to step up to take on the 10-12 hour shifts required in factories. Further from the European epicentre of the War, in the USA, there were huge campaigns, such as ‘Rosie the Riveter’ (see the below picture for the iconic We Can Do It! campaign) asking women to “do their bit”. Many women desperately wanted to contribute, but couldn’t, due to the shortage in childcare available.
Governments stepped up to provide childcare
During and just after WW2, the USA Government passed the Lanham Act, providing the only provision of ‘universal’ childcare in US history, spending more than $52million ($1billion in today money) between 1943 and 1946 to support as many mamas in the workforce as possible. Yes, I’m trying to imagine the USA doing this now too…
Similarly in the United Kingdom, by 1943 they had launched a whopping 5000+ day nurseries to support working women, up from 104 in 1938 (!).
However, for both the USA and the UK, neither of these provisions managed to cover everyone. Women used relatives and parents to fill the gaps, where they had to. A little bit familiar isn’t it. But, at least, there were provisions available. And this had never existed in this capacity before.
…so, what happened after the War?
Well, the USA Lanham Act was passed using the phrasing: “for the duration only [of the War]” - implying universal childcare was always intended to be temporary. Likewise in the UK, the Ministry of Health halted funding in 1945 and handed it over to Local Authorities - saying that: “those facilities were no longer required … the cost of the Exchequer could not be justified”.
Ah.
Lots of men wished to return to normality and their old jobs, and women were expected to graciously stand aside and go back to domestic bliss. You can see both sides, right? It was your job before the war. You went and fought for your country. You want your old job back. Fair enough.
But - what happens when the job isn’t there anymore (we don’t need to make weapons if we aren’t at war anymore, do we), or someone else has been doing your job really well, and really enjoys it, or may need it financially due to being widowed, for 6+ years? Lots of women found themselves in this position.
—> In a Nutshell… The men were prioritised, the nurseries were closed.
This had pretty varying consequences:
Most firms resumed their bar on married women from joining. Seriously.
The women who did retain their ‘male’ jobs were employed with shamelessly lower wages, and many were demoted on return of the male workforce
The women who did want to stay working were almost exclusively pushed out of the ‘male’ jobs and into so-called “pink-collar” jobs such as secretarial or clerical work, as men attempted to reaffirm pre-war gender roles
Many women had been widowed - therefore they needed jobs to supplement an often small state-provided pension and care for their kids. This did lead to a more permanent, if small, female section of the workforce
Yet — a pretty irreversible and seismic cultural shift had started … like it or not. This helped pave the way for their daughters who came of age in the 60s and 70s, who’d heard how their mamas had contributed in the War and admired them. They wanted more independence and money. This was a contributor to the big wave of 1960s feminism.
The introduction of nurseries in WW2 showed women a taste of what was possible, and the rest of the 20th century has been a steady - if rocky - progression to where we are today - with a variety of (imperfect) childcare options.
The juggle has always been a struggle!
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Where are we today
There’s been a steady, yet rocky, progression to a number of childcare options, which have all paralleled the waves of feminism
The childcare scene is a minefield and super, super varied depending on where you live in the world, as well as who you work for.
Countries that have better maternity leave policies tend to have better, cheaper or universal nationally-provided childcare provisions.
Of course, companies can offer you different packages no matter where you are in the world, so whatever the state provides, the company can top up…
If they want to.
But the country variations, in terms of what the actual state pays you / what is statutory, are… absolutely vast.
(Here is a little snapshot is worth mentioning for sheer amusement):
Swedish state provides 380 days of maternity leave, on 80% pay (pardon?!?)
The Norwegians provide between 80-100% pay for 400+ days
The British State provides 90% pay for the first 6 weeks (…meh) and then 33 weeks of statutory state at a ‘bountiful’ ~£149.50/week, which apparently you’re supposed to live on. On the plus side, your company is legally entitled to keep your job open for a year. On the downside: unless it is apparently ‘redundant’. These stealth redundancies happen more than you think - because #structuralsexism. The fabulous organisation Pregnant Then Screwed supports women who are experiencing this.
The USA provides … um, nothing. And they don’t have to keep your job, either, no matter how long you’ve worked there, or how senior you are. They are also the only OECD country to not provide anything. Yay!
However, of course, what your company offers compared to what your country offers is a different matter. Using USA as the example, firms will (or won’t) offer their own maternity packages to fill in the gaping void that their government leaves. As more women have joined the workforce, the vague plus side is that companies have had to compete with each other to look more diverse and inclusive, to get the best talent, regardless of what country you live in, to look nice and progressive.
But, the point is, it’s not statutory. Being progressive costs money in the short term and often companies run by majority white and privileged males do not necessarily consider the long term benefits of being inclusive. Even if arguably, it pays off longer term to be kinder to your employees in terms of attrition, costs of rehiring, etc. This is sort of another article, so I’ll stop here before I get too annoyed about it.
The point is: even if your company does have epic maternity leave, what you do for childcare when you do go back is still a dilemma you have to face, and there’s sorta no way round it.
(Sweden / Norway, we’re all praying that we turn out like you one day)
What is the right time for childcare?
It’s up to you.
As with most things parenting, usually we like to go with ‘what the science says’ on most choices we make.
A ‘science first’ approach is still a challenge. This is because often scientists contradict one another, and for one paper you find in favour of an approach, you’re guaranteed to find another paper refuting it completely (I discuss this extensively in my breast and bottle feeding article). Which makes it rather tricky when you’re trying to pick a lane.
As always: it doesn’t make the science irrelevant - it just means that sometimes you need to take in multiple perspectives and accept that the science may be imperfect, to make your own decision. But, you still have to make your own decision.
So when I started looking up academic papers on Childcare and long-term outcomes, I expected much the same challenge of lots of science all contradicting itself.
However, I found something different.
Compared to Googling breast and bottle feeding, or sleep training, or weaning where there are a tonne of broad scientific studies, the childcare question is mostly tackled by parenting websites or parenting authors. Plenty of scientific papers on childcare do exist, but they tend to be narrow in scope in terms of geography, age range, childcare setting, timeframe and much more. They are also quick to caveat their findings by pointing out the staggering number of variables that are very hard to control for. Hence the lack of summary articles that actually have answers for you.
This makes this article hard, because the scientific answers don’t really cover what we want to know - which is:
“is childcare going to harm my child, when should I put them in childcare from, and what sort of childcare should I choose”
Why is it so hard for scientists to just give us an answer?
I’ll give you a summary of some of the factors I’m talking about.
WHY IT’S HARD TO BE SCIENCEY ABOUT CHILDCARE, ACCORDING TO THIS PAPER - I’ve summarised it below though:
It is hard to know what’s linked (correlated), versus caused. E.g. if a child has behavioural problems later in life, can you scientifically prove that it’s specifically because they were in daycare from a young age, rather than any other contributing factor? Probably not.
It’s also pretty hard to go into people’s homes to either study or compare how your Grandma/your neighbour/your informal childcare does things, compared to a structured and formal setting such as a Daycare. Scientists are more likely to study daycare settings where you can measure for things more easily, than to ask to spend 6 months just with your Mum / your childminder observing how they look after your child. Which by the way, they’d have to do several times over across a range of children, over a very long period of time. It’s just a lot more challenging and more time consuming.
It is reeeeally hard to disentangle all the different elements of childcare. What are the other children like in nursery? What is their home environment like? Do they sleep well at home? Are their parents consistent care-givers? What’s your daycare centre in the USA like, versus one in Sweden where they may have different qualifications, requirements and hours? Who’s in their family unit? All of these things have serious effects on a child’s long-term wellbeing and development, and are very hard to isolate from whether a child is in childcare or not.
There’s a lot more information on the challenges of scientific childcare research, cited by actual scientists; here, here and here for you.
Basically guys, I’m trying to show you that it’s not laziness/lack of trying that I’m not quoting lots of papers. It’s because it would be unrepresentative and reductive of what the reality is!
How do we decide when, then?
By saying to yourself that it’s #mymotherhoodmychoice and making the best decision for BOTH you and your child. Obvious? Yes. Do we do it? No, not often.
You and your child are two separate entities.
What may be the right time for you, may not be the right time for your child - but also vice versa.
Your child may be desperately social and would thrive in a daycare environment from 6 months. You on the other hand, may not be ready. You may be desperate to get back to work at 12 months postpartum. But your child may be too young still for the only option you can afford.
The impact that a good childcare solution can have on your little person is undeniable. Equally important, the implications of a woman who may need to go back to work for her own mental health, or for the long-term financial health of the family, should not be overlooked, either.
The ‘right’ solution is a balance somewhere in the middle, for both you and your baby.
Some attachment parenting champions question whether it is right for children to go to nursery under 3 (yes, 3!). However, it may be the case that mum is miserable, and sacrificing her ability to earn money for the family by staying at home. What does this do to the mother-infant bond? These are all things to be considered. Every case is individual, and you and your bubz are unique.
The 4 main things to be considered when thinking about childcare:
Your finances, your work arrangements, your emotions and your child all need to be taken into account when considering childcare options
Your finances - and this swings both ways:
Can you afford to remain at home, if you want to do so?
Can you afford to go back to work, with the childcare you want?
These sound contradictory but depending on your salary, these are very real considerations. It’s worth sitting down with a calculator and literally costing it up.
Your practical work arrangements:
When does your maternity leave end / do you have maternity leave?
How flexible is your employer / your partner’s employer? I.e. do they accommodate working from home, or flexibility around hours to give you time to do drop offs and pickups?
Are you going back full-time or part-time?
Are you still breast-feeding / is your child on mostly formula (i.e., are they under one)? It’s a common misconception of first-time mamas that children are fully weaned by 6 months old, when a huge part of your child’s diet will still be milk until 12 months or so. (BTW I thought this, so don’t worry if it’s you!). If so, you’ll need to think about pumping, or weaning/switching to formula, or just providing your childcare option with the right gear and an understanding of your routine.
Your emotions:
How do you feel about each childcare option available to you? How does your partner feel, too?
When do you want to go back? Do you want to go back…? Is your partner supportive of whatever you want to do? If not, why not?
Your child:
What’s their personality like?
When do you think is right for them? This may feel like an annoying question as you’re reading this perhaps wanting an answer - but, your instinct is right more often than you think.
What are the Childcare options
Below I’m going to detail out the most common options, with a summary pros and cons. If you think of more, let me know in the comments!
There will be natural variations between countries, (do let me know if your country is super different!) but hopefully this still provides a basic overview.
NANNIES
A nanny is an individual paid to look after your baby/child, usually in your own home. They can either live with you or live separately, depending on what you want.
NANNY PROS
Bond: If they are good, they can build a really strong bond with your child. Lots of nanny relationships that have worked out keep in touch with children well beyond infancy :)
Tailored: Your little person gets one-to-one care and attention that is 100% tailored to them
Control: You have complete control over activities, eating, sleeping, attitudes to discipline etc., as quite literally you’re the boss. Chances are they will be highly experienced and will have lots of great tips and advice in these areas for you, too. They can be live-in or live-out - but if they live in, this gives you quite literally ultimate flexibility.
Simplicity: If you have multiples, or if you have two children very close together in age, it keeps them together, saves you some money, and massively simplifies your childcare arrangement (no multiple pick ups, drop offs)
Usually very well-qualified: Although there is no legal requirement (at least, not in the UK or USA) for nanny qualifications, most nanny agencies will have nannies with high qualifications as standard and will arrange a lot of the administration and references for you, for your peace of mind
NANNY CONS
Expensive: A good full-time nanny isn’t cheap - an average of $50k salary in the USA, and £29k UK (this can be as much as £42k+ in London - yikes)
Can be time-consuming to secure: Finding the right person at considerable cost is a huge decision which can take a long time - interviewing is gruelling and a lot to take on when you may already be a bit frazzled because #mumlife, and the good ones are typically highly sought after!
Taxes: You will be classed as an employer, and therefore will need to work out things like taxes, social security/national insurance, etc, depending on your country’s rules. Organisations like Nanny Tax in the UK are very helpful for this, though.
Socialisation: It will be up to you to ensure that your nanny is providing your child with plenty of opportunities to socialise with other kids, as it won’t be environmental in the same way as nursery/daycare is. A good one will do this as standard but it’s definitely worth mentioning.
No back-up: If they’re unwell or have a personal crisis, you’ll have to arrange backup at short/no notice. Tricky if you and your partner have big work commitments.
DAYCARE/NURSERY
I’m British, so we say Nursery when we mean Daycare. I’ll use the terms interchangeably from hereon in.
Nurseries offer care for babies from birth usually up to school age (5) and will vary in size and location. You can get workplace nurseries, private ones, community nurseries, and local authority ones. You may also get religious ones but these are less common (in the UK).
DAYCARE/NURSERY PROS
Socialisation: your child will have plenty of opportunities to hang out with other kids, as it’s sort of the whole setup! Particularly in COVID times, a lot of parents have brought forward the age to send their child to daycare in the absence of usual stay-and-play groups / play dates / toddler groups, etc. Many parents really struggled when nurseries closed during early COVID. They are great places for your baby to make baby friends and get used to sharing.
Almost always back-up: there will be multiple staff at nursery, meaning there’ll nearly always be cover when staff are sick - important when you have crucial meetings, appointments or other commitments.
Easy to check quality: There will often be reviews online, or even official reviews like Ofsted in England (equivalents available here in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland), where independent assessors will rank the nursery, approx. every 4 years. In the USA many states use a Quality Rating and Improvement System (QRIS). These are generally strict and publicly available.
Activities: typically there will be a huge variety of things for the kids to do, and most places will organise outdoors or musical time as standard!
Tax: Generally you pay a set fee and don’t have to worry about tax implications directly in the same way you would a Nanny. It’s worth noting that if you’re on a low income you may be able to claim tax-free childcare / get contributions towards your childcare cost in the UK.
DAYCARE/NURSERY CONS
Illnesses: I don’t want to understate this - it can be tough to begin with. Your child’s immune system is being bombarded, and it can seem like they’re sick ALL the time for a while. It’s for a good cause as it helps your child build up immunity to common childhood coughs and colds. Worth noting: you can put this off but you can’t prevent it - if it’s not at nursery, it’ll be at school that they’re sick all the time. So it’s a case of whether you want to deal with this now or later…
Less control: Nursery/daycare will have their own routines over food, sleeping, attitudes to discipline, and even their own curriculum. You can choose a nursery that fits as much as possible into your ethos, but it’ll be rare that any particular nursery is completely perfect. Lots will depend on where you live and what you’re closest to.
Less attention: Your child will likely get less focussed attention within daycare compared to other options. Make sure you pay attention to the staff to infant ratios, and ask if they assign a ‘key worker’, or special person who looks after your child specifically. The UK has strict rules on minimum staff to baby ratios, as does the USA, but these differ. Lots of nurseries will wait to see who the child gravitates towards, and assign them that way. It should go without saying that of course the more focus your child gets, the better.
Still expensive: Nursery running costs are high and US and UK governments don’t do an awful lot to support them. It means that the costs remain high (average of £13,700 in the UK, and $15,000 in the USA). The UK are currently debating this in parliament here.
High staff turnover: Nursery staff have an average turnover rate in both the USA and UK of 30%. This can be due to high job stress, education and lack of training - but can make it tough for your child to get consistency of care. Ask the nursery what their specific turnover rate is and what they do to take care of their staff, as the chances are that this will translate into the care of your child, too.
CHILDMINDER
A childminder is typically a UK phenomenon. In the USA, this is usually advertised as Daycare, but on a smaller scale, so scroll back up to see pros and cons of Daycare, or just skip this section if you’re American.
Childminders are common practice in the UK. A childminder is a self-employed person who operates this as a business, usually out of their own home. They may do this alone or employ an assistant or two, to help, and it’s generally cheaper than nursery.
CHILDMINDER PROS
Cheaper than nursery: Childminders are approximately £160 per month less than nursery per month
Well-qualified: They have to be registered with Ofsted, hold an up to date paediatric first aid qualification, have public liability insurance and follow the EYFS (standards that British school and childcare providers must meet for the learning, development and care of children from birth to 5) - all good things for peace of mind.
Socialisation built-in: Usually, your child is being looked after in a small group. the EYFS stipulates that the maximum staff:children ratio is 1:3 for children under five, and up to 3 more children, but only if the three more are between ages 5-8 (i.e., you can’t have one adult minding six 3-year olds! (Note though: Exceptions are made for sibling babies (e.g., if you had twins, and there were already two babies with the childminder, that would be ok, and also if the childminder has a child themselves, this is excluded from the ratio).
More control than nursery: As your child will be in a smaller group compared to a nursery setting, you will have more say over your child’s routine, as of course it is easier for the Childminder to be flexible with fewer kids.
References easy to check: Most good childminders are word-of-mouth, so chances are you’ll be picking someone who’s a recommendation of a friend. If not, references are easy to check out, and people tend to be very honest and open about childminder opinions (with nurseries, there are more staff, so one ‘great’ member of staff that your friend interacted with may have left, etc.)
CHILDMINDER CONS
No back-up: If they’re ill, they’re ill. If they’re on holiday, they’re on holiday. Etc
Less attention than a nanny: Obviously it’s less attention than a 1:1 option if there are a couple more kids there too.
Socialisation doesn’t always work out: Babies and toddlers are… well… people, and people don't always get on. Kids and parents who aren’t keen on each other at nursery can avoid each other and make natural friends with others. If the babies/parents don’t get on in a Childminder setting it can be tricky. Equally, routines can clash - you may be sharing a Childminder with 2 sets of parents who are very relaxed and easy going, whereas you may be more routine-focussed and want more structure. Of course, this affects how the Childminder sets up their day, so it is worth checking out the other parents as much as the Childminder themselves.
Good ones tend to be booked: It can take some time luck in timing to get a good one, as word of mouth and demand can mean the good ones are often taken.
Relationship-centred: Just like with a Nanny, how you feel about the person taking very close care of your child will be extremely important. It is usually pretty straightforward to suss out a nursery’s ‘vibe’, via websites and reviews - whereas Childminders are a highly personal relationship which may take time to figure out. Character clashes do happen and this can be make or break for your childcare arrangement.
AU PAIR
Au Pairs are generally students, or people of student-age, who are in your country to study or just to improve their language. They are almost always live-in, so they have to be provided with a bedroom, meals and pocket money. You typically pay them a weekly stipend but it isn’t salaried employment. So, in the UK this is about £80-85 per week. In the USA, it’s a minimum of $195.75 per week.
It is worth mentioning … Brexit has had a huge impact on Au Pairing in the UK. This is a lot harder than it previously was. Thank you, so much, Boris. However don’t despair - it is still an option. See Cons below for more information on how to get an Au Pair in the UK…
In the USA, you can find an Au Pair through an agency, who will already have a directory of Au Pairs that have their required J-1 Visa, so this is your best option. Click here to see the top recommended USA Agencies.
AU PAIR PROS
Bond: Similar to Nanny, that the Au Pair is a 1:1 relationship, Therefore they have potential to build an amazing bond with your child. They also tend to be young and full of energy - helpful if you have a demanding/high energy little person! Is any toddler not high energy?
Control: You have complete control over their schedule and routine. Big pro.
Unbelievably cheap compared to the other childcare options: this is literally a fraction of the cost. If you need a great wraparound option for childcare that is extremely flexible, this is the right one!
Extreme flexibility: If you work unusual hours, or are sometimes unpredictable in your start and finish times, having someone live-in who can be a consistent presence is extremely useful.
Rewarding: You’re helping someone to learn a new language and to be part of your family. Many Au Pair relationships continue for a long time beyond your child’s childhood.
AU PAIR CONS
For UK Mamas this is a big con: Brexit has really f*cked this one up :( : Sorry there’s no delicate way to put this. This website lists the ‘allowed’ countries, explains all entry requirements / host requirements to host an Au Pair, and will also help you to find someone who’s eligible to stay in the UK. As Brexit has ended Freedom of Movement between the EU and the UK, it means that all UK non-residents have to: 1. apply for a Study Visa, 2. have been in the UK and have pre-settled status, or 3. be on a special list of (inexplicably) ‘acceptable’ empire-related countries. Hmm.
English language level: Language particularly in the beginning may be a bit variable! Levels of English will be different person to person, so bear this in mind. It can make the relationship with your children a bit tough in the beginning, and some things may quite literally be lost in translation if you’re trying to ask your Au Pair to do something specific.
Lack of experience and qualifications: for many Au Pairs, you may be their first ever placement and as such they may not have any childcare experience - let alone have any qualifications. If this is something that you could cope with, then fine, but it’s a case of what you’re comfortable with.
Difficult to sever the relationship / switch out: If it’s not working, this can be tough. They have fully set themselves up in your home, and be making friends in the local area, so it’s not as easy ask just switching nurseries or even childminders.
Almost always live-in: This is a con as well as a pro. If you’re in a flat or a small space, your privacy will be limited. It is like adopting an adult (!) so all the usual quibbles you may remember from college or room sharing, such as washing up (or not), leaving dirty clothes on the floor etc - often you can’t know these things that may drive you crazy until they move in!
Cultural differences: Again, not necessarily a con - but there will be cultural adjustments to make, even if you speak the same language! The Brits may speak English, but have their own way of doing things that may differ to what the English language actually means. Click here for sheer comedy of this.
INFORMAL CHILDCARE (Family/Friends)
Grandparents, family, or friends may offer to help out with your little one for free. It can be hugely rewarding (and tempting), but there are a number of things to consider.
FAMILY/FRIENDS PROS
Cheap or free: Mostly, this isn’t even paid, if it’s your mum or dad… A huge pro if you are strapped for cash and badly need a childcare solution. It’s also a great hybrid option if you’re not wanting to put your child in daycare 5 days per week, but you still need full time care (e.g. they can do daycare Mon-Wed, then Grandma’s house Thurs/Fri).
Trust: You have a pre-existing relationship with them, and most likely they know your child extremely well, too. This can massively alleviate the stress on your side, as you’re not leaving them with a complete stranger. You probably know their house well, know the area, and just generally feel comfortable that your child is in good hands (in theory… see cons, too).
Love!: Chances are, if they love you, they’ll love your child too. It can be hugely rewarding to see someone buy treats for your child, or show them things, or take them new places, not because they’re being paid but because they just really love your child. I.e. WholesomeAF.
Minimal separation anxiety: If your child likes the person, this is likely to really reduce the separation anxiety. This is not to be underestimated, particularly if it’s your first childcare choice / the first time you’ve ever left your child with someone / you’re phasing back to work
Lifelong bond: Many grandparents, or aunties or uncles, aren’t necessarily seen that often (especially in our non-village world). Having a closer relationship with them via them looking after your child is hugely rewarding for you, for them, and for your little person. Equally, you may see new positive things in them - little people have interesting ways of pulling out new and good sides to people!
FAMILY/FRIENDS CONS
Less control over routine: Because it’s free, and your parents/relatives/friends may have their own stuff going on, it can be difficult to implement control over routine, diet, discipline etc. If you’re not into naughty steps, or don’t want sweets before lunch, it can be hard to communicate this effectively without people taking offence. You’re not paying them - but you’re still ‘the boss’, so this dynamic needs to be carefully considered.
Awkward if it goes wrong: If it’s really not working out, it can be very hard to sever that relationship if you have a pre-existing bond. Sometimes you may just want to keep things transactional and professional and this can be a challenge with friends and family members.
No/limited back-up: Like the other solo options, there will most likely not be backup. Equally, as it’s a ‘favour’ they may take it less seriously and book things on the days you need them. Make sure your arrangement is nice and clear, up front.
No qualifications: Chances are they aren’t qualified (goodness me you’re lucky if they are!). This isn’t necessarily a problem whatsoever but it’s whatever you are comfortable with. People knowing what to do if your child is choking etc is important, though, so make sure you have this conversation up front too.
May end unexpectedly: Grandparents are more likely to get unwell. Equally, friends can move away, whereas nurseries tend to stick around.
STAY AT HOME
Staying at home is an option that no doubt, you may have considered - even if just fleetingly. Childbirth and motherhood can make women heavily question their personal and professional identities. It can make that the ‘huge client’ that demanded all of your time and energy suddenly not look so appealing - especially if you have twins at home who’ll require double childcare costs and result in your netting out at £0 at the end of each month. Or even just one baby that means you net out £0, to be honest.
It’s not the easy option. Any mother, or person who’s spent a day with a baby or toddler, will tell you that. So before you let society/anyone judge you, remember that it’s #mymotherhoodmychoice, and anyone who’s worth their salt will know how incredibly valuable it is.
STAY AT HOME PROS
Free: this is about as cheap financially as you can get really. Note…… I always hesitate to say ‘free’ when referencing women’s time, because we live in a society that does not value women’s time and energy in the same way it does men’s. But straight up - if you are truly strapped for cash, this may be the best option for your family. Equally, it doesn’t need to be forever.
Dedicated time that you’ll never get back: Ever heard that expression “the days are long but the years are short”? Childhood really does rush by - and whatever stage you’re at with your nugget, you’ll miss it when it’s gone. Yes you actually will.
Can be for as long or as short as you like: If you’re not employed, you choose how long this ‘maternity leave’ is…! Equally, if you change your mind and want to go back to work after a couple of years, you can.
No separation anxiety issues: No separation anxiety if there’s no separation…!
If you’re really not into your job, this is a pretty good excuse to leave… You might laugh at this one but, I’ve heard plenty of women say it.
STAY AT HOME CONS
No maternity leave if you have a second: If you’ve quit your job and then have a second baby, you may be dealing with a newborn and a toddler full time without receiving any additional income. This is no joke, particularly if you’re trying to breastfeed with a manic toddler playing the floor is made of lava, while you drown in laundry. Not impossible, but wow it may be hard - depending on the age gap. There is research that shows that being a mother is equal to 2.5 full time jobs.
Proactive socialisation of baby required: You’ll need to be extremely proactive about getting your bubz out and about to hang with other bubzes. Chances are you will be for sanity purposes, but it’s worth mentioning.
Proactive socialisation of mama required: Work provides really valuable social contexts for us all - it’s where we spent 8h+ per day, after all. Make sure you join mum groups, or have hobbies lined up to do solo in the evenings after your partner is home, to ensure you’re not lonely. Post natal/partum depression is a real risk that takes careful management and shouldn’t be taken lightly, and studies have shown that loneliness plays a big part in this.
Power imbalance with partner: It can feel very strange to be accepting pocket money for a partner, or not have your own bank account and be withdrawing from a joint account, if you’re used to a lot of financial independence. This can wreak havoc on previously very balanced relationships. Make sure you discuss with your partner in advance how to make things not feel ‘unfair’.
Longer you are out of the workforce can be harder to re-enter: Companies can be very weird about accepting female returners back to their companies. This is completely irrational and unfounded, by the way. But it is a reality. People can view it as a ‘break’ (it isn’t) and can doubt your commitment, due to unfounded fears about you working fewer hours or not caring about the job. In the words of a rather famous CEO who I saw at a conference though, “I love hiring part-time mums - they do twice the work in half the time and we don’t have to pay them as much”. A truly back-handed compliment.. I guess "*sigh*.. Either way, there are amazing organisations like Women Returners in the UK set up to facilitate ‘returnships’ into big companies - they also help with bolstering CVs/resumes.
Conclusion
There is no universally ‘right’ answer when it comes to childcare - but I promise you that there will be a right answer for you. Even if it takes time to figure out.
There are difficult points to remind ourselves of:
Modern women are generally highly educated and independent - yet - women have to have children to carry on the human race. Otherwise we cease to exist as a species.
It’s not a ‘luxury’ or a flippant case of ‘well you chose to have kids’ - no: you as a couple chose to have kids. Two people made this choice. It’s important we don’t punish exclusively women: for a woman AND a man’s choice to have a baby. So if you hear people making comments like these, correct them. Or send them to me?
It is taking society some time (ok, a lot of time) to remember this fact - but while they catch up, it can be a juggle and a struggle to manage both your working life and your kids
Childcare options exist to help with this struggle, and you will find one that works.
It isn’t impossible.
You will figure it out.
Remember, there’s no ‘perfect’ answer though, because it’s #mymotherhoodmychoice. This can feel scary - but it’s liberating, too.
Enjoyed it or found it useful? Please, please share it - post about it - WhatsApp it - whatever make sense for you <3.
See you next time
Letty x